Nightime Visits With Dad

“A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship.”
[Ranier Maria Rilke]

I dream frequently about my Dad.  In my dreams, just like reality, sometimes he knows me but sometimes he doesn’t.  My sub-conscience never chooses to take me to a different time in our life perhaps a time when things were clearer for him, more mobile for him, a time when we danced together, walked together, laughed together.  Time with my Dad in my dreams and in my reality are spent in an assisted care facility mostly with him sleeping or sometimes sitting in a wheelchair.

Does my sleeping mind choose to take me there because I cannot be there in person very often?  Are these dreams a way of being together during an unstable time when it physically cannot be so?  I believe Dad and I are both preparing for transition.  For him it is a journey of release from this earthly body,  a step into the great unknown and peace from the vessel that is no longer serving.  For me it will be the adjustment to the loss of no longer having him here.

I may not be able to have that “last conversation”.  At least not in a way the message I am sending can be received by my father’s mind.  I am ok with this.  We have always been a family that communicates love.  There are no unspoken words and in my heart, even now, I believe he knows how much I love him.  How great a Father he is to me and the gratitude I feel at being his daughter.

Sometimes I wake from these dreams afraid and frustrated and uncertain.  Sometimes I wake from them and feel love and peace and hope.

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