T: Your backpack trip has come and gone. Did you like it?
Me: I loved it. It was a lot like trail riding except I didn’t have you to carry me up the mountains and I didn’t come back to the barn at night. I just stayed out there in the woods.
T: No barn? That sounds stupid. And HA…now you understand what it is like to carry a bunch of extra weight on your back while trying to go up steep hills. You better recognize!!!!
Me: I’ve never once doubted how magnificent you are buddy!
T: So what now Mom? What is the next big adventure? I notice that I still have not been getting on and off the trailer. Do you think that will ever change? Will I go places again?
Me: Honestly, I feel less and less hopeful about it. We are having some REALLY good solid rides here at the house and through the neighborhood. You are also still having unstable moments. Missteps and stumbles that leave doubt and questions in my mind about how you would do on a trailer. How you would handle the rugged, technical and uneven ground of a trail. What is the increased fall risk? How safe is it for you? How safe is it for me? I also have fear about putting you in an unnecessary stressful situation and what it would do to your immune system. Does it open the door for relapse?
Me: These might be small and minimal risks that would be worth taking to get some trail time in. OR. They might be a likely occurrence and I’d be irresponsible to put you in these situations. It is hard to know without trying and it all comes down to what chance am I willing to take for a trail ride. I put things off until after the backpack trip thinking I would have more clarity about what direction I was comfortable going in.
Me: And there is more clarity, it is just not the answer I had hoped I would arrive at. Unless it were an emergency vet situation or need for evacuation, I don’t think I want to risk traveling with you. The baggage around it is just more than I want to carry for an activity, that although I believe you enjoy and enriches your life too, is really more about my entertainment and pleasure. To put my desire for the joy and social aspect that trail riding brings, before your well being, just feels downright selfish. Home we will stay for the foreseeable future, I’m not ready to say forever or talk in absolutes as I’m old enough to have learned that things change and we have to stay open to that, but for now we will keep on doing our thing here at home.
T: Thanks Mom…I don’t want to fall or get sick again.